2026-02-20

Hiiii, my fellow bloggers!!

My first week of school was exhausting.

I’m aware that starting a school in a new city is hard for everyone, but I noticed my anxiety & autism making it twice as difficult.

What really bothers me is the lack of a predictable, empty space. I compensate that a little by going to school early, when nobody’s there. Otherwise I have to eat in public which is particularly difficult.

I haven’t talked to any of my classmates yet.

And the weather doesn’t help anyway. It’s all muddy, wintry, and the nature is still sleeping.

I find solace in the thought that once summer comes, I’ll take up running again. As I’ll stop on a hill to catch my breath, a beautiful sunset will flood everything with its merciful shine. I’ll merge with the moment and think: This moment alone made surviving past months worth it.

2026-02-13

I don’t want to wallow in misery, so I’ll just share what I’m grateful for this week:

> my english certificate was accepted, so I’ll avoid three university subjects, and still get the credits!!

> my power is back (mom dyed my hair black again)

> I have a new crossbody bag!! It’s black, roomy, and durable. can’t wait to take it to school or a trip

> I have a new pfp that I’m very content with

> A friend made me realize I may be in the middle of an autistic burnout. I’ve been emotionally and mentally exhausted for three weeks now. I’m not going into details here, but hey! it IS positive news, because it means it will get better eventually!!!

UPDATE: It may not be autistic burnout after all. I've just found out tryptophan supplements can have some nasty side effects if taken for longer than three weeks. I'll get back on St John's Wort then, or CBD.

2026-02-09

I didn’t realize how much I changed, until I met someone who reminded me of my old self. I guess you learn more about yourself by finding out who you’re not. Perhaps I’m no longer a passionate language learner, I’m no longer an artist, and I’m not as naïve as I used to be. It feels heavy to say that, but also freeing. I’d love to explore new things without the burden of the past, if god wills.

2026-02-05

My last few days were kinda successful. I got the job, checked in to the dormitory, got nice earrings that match my piercings, and started coding the RANDOM section of my blog.

So that was the good news. Bad news is, we’re back to fucking 1933 Germany. It’s painful to watch the news. I’m scared of what comes next.

2026-01-31

I'm transferring to university in a different city, and also applying for a job.

I feel ambiguous about it, and curious as well. What will my classmates be like? Will the dormitory be my safe space, or necessary evil? Will they hire me?

And most importantly, how much are my expectations tainted by my previous experiences?

2026-01-27

made a vision board for the first time ever

2026-01-25

TW: minority stress

It sucks when you realize the whole conversation with your friends is about hate crimes, tragic news, and cases of systemic oppression.

It sucks when a cute event gets ruined by neo-nazis.

It sucks when it doesn’t even surprise you that your friends feel suicidal.

It sucks when hope requires tremendous effort.

2026-01-22

Ever since I was young, I had this affinity for learning foreign languages. I went through many of them (german, hindi, esperanto, english, polish, russian, french), and some of them even earned me prizes in competitions and a page in local newspaper lol. But learning for an advanced level takes determination, time, and energy. So all in all, I speak well just two foreign languages: english and russian.

I really want to learn another language for an advanced level, but for god’s sake I can’t just choose one! I’m deciding between spanish, esperanto, and polish. I’d prefer the language was easy enough to master quickly, and meaningful enough for me to stay motivated (I’m self-taught). Which one should I pick?

Or maybe it’s time to abandon this hobby and find something else? idk idk idk

UPDATE: I think esperanto will be it. Nine years ago, I was a big fan of it, and maybe it’s time to get deeper into the language and its culture again. Also, it’s my dream to speak another language on C2 level, and esperanto might be ideal for that.

2026-01-17

I think I want to start a diary.

I used to think diaries and journals were only good for venting. But yknow, I’ve been thinking about my past lately, wondering what made me who I am now, and who I was like years ago. And I can’t really pin it down. It feels somewhat claustrophobic.

As if the thousands constitutive parts of my self were scattered all over the place. If I had kept a diary, I could’ve seen the cobweb of my identity, and each opinion, fear, or hope, as a tiny silver thread, would be connected to some events or ponderings.

2026-01-14

Remember my previous post about longing for an adventure? I’m taking it all back.

Today, I went to our capital city, and I’m EXHAUSTED.

I used to live in the city over a year ago, but decided to leave only after a few months. I had been doubting that decision quite often, but today’s visit reminded me that my anxiety and sensory issues are no jokes, and I can’t do much about them. The place is overcrowded, extremely noisy, and doesn’t feel safe.

On the other hand, I got my (ear) piercing, and also bought a cool jacket – very well worth the visit. It’s nothing extraordinary, but it still makes me feel more authentic, and I’m so grateful for it.

2026-01-11

I started watching some new series, and… yknow, captivating stories always remind me how boring everything in the real world is. Yes, you can travel, buy stuff, talk to people, but tbh that’s nothing but a band-aid solution.

I wish there was more to life than just endless cycles of sustaining one’s life, and band-aid solutions for existential boredom.

This world is a buzzkill...

An adventure, an extraordinary goal worth fighting for, a meaningful story, ... that’s what my soul craves.

2026-01-02

Last year wasn’t bad. I lost myself in illusions, and snapped out of them again. I’m still halfway to nowhere, but at least I’m walking a path that’s mine.

One important moment was when I realized I was trying to be someone I was not. I still can’t believe what I spiraled into. When I came to be aware of it, I turned on my favourite lo-fi music, stopped saying things I didn’t believe, meditated, and went for a walk.

As I was in the middle of nowhere, I looked up at the night sky. I imagined what it would be like to travel through the universe, to be surrounded by the warmth of billions of stars, and I was glad I was standing on the ground. I fell in love with myself, and my friends, and the universe, in a way.

2025-12-23

Dearest fellow bloggers,

I haven't been feeling great lately. I started making this (newer) blog to escape my thoughts, and to have a place to vent. I hope you're enjoying it here!

On a more positive note, I received a christmas wish from a pen pal of whom I haven't heard for ages, and also a letter from my good friend. I'm delighted that my pal still remembers me, and I'm reminding myself that there are great things waiting for me in the future.

Happy holidays everyone! Take care!

2025-11-22

So I learned I'm on the spectrum, and the official diagnosis was so validating.

Of course, I’ll be facing the same problems over and over again. But this time I’ll accept them as facts, knowing that I’m simply a stranger in a world that doesn’t speak my language, and try to be more compassionate toward myself. If I encounter any limitations now, I’ll give different alternatives a try, like giving myself more time or asking for help, instead of turning to remorse and getting swallowed by anxiety.

I also know now that what works for neurotypicals can actually harm me. Sometimes I come across people whose advice is to engage in unpleasant, challenging things to make common problems seem small and unimportant. Sure, it may work for some, but if I try, I just melt down.

After all, most self-development books are written for the “normal”, right? That’s why I decided to focus on books written by autistic people for autistic people.

You're all caught up! here are some feel-good quotes for you:

Heaven is a practice, not a promise. Why wait? Make it here. Now.
– Alok Vaid-Menon

No reason to stay is a good reason to go.
– unknown

There's no reason to be afraid of things that are beautiful.
– Adventure Time

What are you afraid of losing... when nothing in this world belongs to you?
–artandfilm.archives